Feeling Overwhelmed

So I am now 17 weeks pregnant and I am feeling good about pregnancy, but now I am sort of feeling overwhelmed.    I was so afraid of miscarriage again, that I did not want to start planning too much, too early.  Now I feel overwhelmed by everything I need to accomplish before this baby decides to arrive.  With a normal pregnancy, you get at least 36 good weeks to prepare for the baby.  For high risk moms to be, the time I get for preparation is so uncertain.    I hope I can make it to 36 weeks, but I also know that even if I do make it that far, I certainly won't be able to do all the things normal women get to do.

I thought weeks 14-20 would be the best-  that is- past the first trimester mark which would reduce my chance of miscarriage and before the dreaded weeks 20-30, which is scariest time for moms who have preeclampsia/HELLP.  So I thought I would enjoy these weeks the most, but that is not the case.  Two weeks ago my daughter accidentially fell off a picnic table bench at the food court at Sam's Club and bumped her head and shoulder.  Luckily, her head was ok.  But she broke her clavicle bone (her collar bone).  It will heal on its own in about 8 weeks, but she has to be out of preschool for 4 weeks because she cannot reinjure it. Needless to say,  I am so glad she is ok and do whatever is necessary to make sure she is ok, but it has just added stress that is not needed. 

I am lucky that my work is understanding and they have allowed me to work from home a few days a week to take care of her.  The bad thing is that my job is demanding and I have a lot of work to do.  So even though I can stay home with her, I still have to get my work done-  even if it is at midnight.  I am tired by 7 pm now, so working productively at midnight is not always the easiest thing to do.  I think everyone else in my life does not understand it or figure out how much stress this adds to my life- the very thing I try to avoid to keep my blood pressure down. 

I still don't think most people understand how I felt after I had my daughter.  It was very traumatic to not know if you or your baby would live through the ordeal and then to put yourself back in a situation that might you get back to that same point.  So you think people would be more understanding, but I don't think even my husband really understands those feelings and obviously they do nothing to help the situation. 

My husband does not have the same flexibility with his job but he has a million vacation/comp days to use.  Unlike my job, which I do not get anything extra for working 60 plus hours a week, he gets comp time to use anytime he works late, etc.   Add to that, that I am usually the one who takes the days off when my 2 year old daughter is sick and I am usually left with no time at the end of the year, while he has a million days to still use.  Yet, getting him to actually use these days is like pulling teeth.  Oh sure, if he wants a day to just relax, he takes them.   But when I ask him to take a day when my DD is sick, or I have a doctors appointment or I need something done, he can never do it.  He always has some big important meeting or conference call or too many people out of the office.  I told him with this situation, he needed to take some days off-  so far he has take 1 1/2 days in 2 weeks time. 

Fine, I'll get over my frustration with that, but Mondays are his usual late days to stay at the office.  You'd figure that since I had to work from home today, the least he could do was come home at a decent hour.  But no, god forbid he thinks of that.  And then he'll wonder why I didn't make dinner and why the house is a mess-  because I am tired and because I had a 2 year old here all day playing.  Plus I still have hours of work to accomplish before going to bed.  You'd think he'd figure this out but he is seemingly amazed each time I point this out to him and ask why he did not come early.  His only answer- "Well you know Mondays are my late night"-  WTF- you know I have been home all day trying to work and take care of a 2 year old, while exhausted and pregnant, but you chose not to do anything to help. 

Forget about the fact that we have nothing ready for the baby, the fact that I have to get my files ready to be transferred to someone else in case I have to go on bedrest, the fact that I am nervous that I will not be able to put up a x-mas tree or get x-mas gifts for my daughter if I am on bedrest or have the baby early.  I just feel overwhelmed by everything I have to do.  Plus I am worried that something will still go wrong with this pregnancy. 

Add to this that people pretend like they want to help and say let me know if you need me to do anything, but when you actually ask them- something always comes up.  So at the end of the day, trying to depend on anyone else besides myself just stresses me out even more.

Where the Hell is my 2nd Trimester Dip

My blood pressure's are normally low outside of pregnancy - 90s/50s, but for some reason my BPs are high in pregnancy than outside, when the opposite is usually true for most pregnant women.  Second trimester, most women experience a nice dip in their blood pressure- but apparently not me.  Any woman who has been through HELLP syndrome or preeclampsia is a freak about taking their blood pressure.  Me, I take mine 3 times a day and log it for my doctor and my own sanity.  For most of the 1st trimester my blood pressures ranged from 100s/50s to 110/60s but last few days they have been all over the place.

It is not consistently rising and honestly by other people's standards is not high.  But for many moms in my situation, rising and falling BPs (often called "labile blood pressure") are precursors to preeclampsia.  So it is only normal for me to be a crazy woman about the few readings I've had in last few days that were 130s/70s.  Of course, doctors are not concerned about anything over 140/80 right now, because they won't medicate me until that point.  However, that doesn't change the fact that it makes me crazy.

So while other woman are being worrying about whether carrying low or high means they are having a boy or girl or what color to paint the nursery, I am worrying about what I can do to starve off this disease throughout this pregnancy.  I am not superstitious but of course I will listen to any suggestions that the women on my preeclampsia forum discuss.  For example, there is some indication that swimming helps keep BP lower.  So I have been a little fish in the pool this last week.  I started taking my low dose aspirin in the morning to see if it helps BP during the day.  I have told everyone I can't travel far for much longer and I have warned my employer that I may be on bedrest at some point.  (god help everyone if I get put on bedrest because I can't even sit at home during a week day). 

Unfortunately at this point, there is nothing I can do-  I have no other signs - no swelling, no headaches, no protein in my urine and not even high blood pressure by anyone's standards.  And if you can't tell this already, I am not very good at having patience or not being in charge or in control so I probably will drive everyone crazy for the rest of this pregnancy.

Paranoia?

So today my breast feel better and the last 2 days I have had much less queasiness.  Of course the first thing I think of is that something is wrong.  Then I think, I finally bought some new bras to shoulder these things and maybe they hurt less because they have proper support now.  And I started taking my prenatal vitamins in the evening before bed, so that probably has more to do with the less queasiness.  But now I am counting down the days to my next ultrasound and dr visit on the 28th- because I will be at 12 weeks then and through one major hurdle- the first trimester. 

This has actually been a bittersweet last week.  I shared the news with my sister-in-law last week and she said oh my god we're pregnant too.  My husband's brother and his wife are due January 3 with their 1st child.  We are due January 10th.  I am super excited for them but seriously I have had a pit in my stomach since then.  I have thought - what if something happens to our baby, how will I cope with seeing her pregnant and then the baby growing.  That thought really scares me.  I wish the timing was off a little more.  I am not sure how to handle this right now.  At least they live in another state, so we don't have to compare notes or anything every day.  I hope they have a healthy and happy baby - but I hope we are able to get there too.    And I hope they understand that I have to keep myself a little distant in these moments. 

I have become paranoid about most things now, which I think is normal for most of us moms who have been through this before.  I told my boss I cannot fly after 24 weeks for work.  I don't walk at lunchtime anymore here because it is about 95 degrees and humid and I don't want to feel overheated.  I watch everything I eat and put into my body, on my body or use in my house.  I have become a freak about germs and I carry a bottle of sanitizer with me in the car so I can "wipe" down my daughter when I pick her up from preschool.  My husband thinks this is all pretty funny because I am usually someone who takes those things with a grain of salt.  I just feel like this is the last time I will be pregnant no matter what happens, so I want to do everything I can to ensure that me & this baby are healthy for as long as possible.

This is Really Going to Happen, I think?

Sorry it has been so long since I have written, but it has been crazy. I traveled all of last week. But I did get to have some fun time.

I had a mediation in North Carolina on June 2 & 3, so I met one of my friends for Memorial Day weekend in Myrtle Beach, SC. She lives in Houston and me in Tampa, so it was great to see each other. On Memorial day, I scheduled prenatal massage for me and a regular massage for her at a spa. But when I got there they told me they would not do a prenatal massage because I was less than 12 weeks. WTF! I was really looking forward to it. And you think they would have asked me how far along I was when I made the appointment. But rather than give up, I decided to get an hour long facial, which was great. And my skin looks glowing this week.

Then I rushed back to Florida on the 3rd, only to have to leave for a conference on the 4th. Luckily it was in Florida, just a few hours away. But the conference was full of drinking, fishing and socializing- not any of which are fun for a queasy pregnant lady. Obviously no drinking here- except lots of water. I did try to go tarpon fishing at 3:00 am on Saturday morning with some colleagues, but that didn't work so well.

I do not generally get sea sick. I am a certified scuba diver and love the ocean. Yet, the waves and boat along with my pregnancy queasiness didn't mix. After 2 hours I was puking over the side of the boat. Luckily, on my boat, were 2 women and a guy who really didn't seem into the fishing thing either, so we headed back to shore where I continued my feeling of yuck all day.

Yesterday, I went for my second ultrasound and regular checkup. I was so nervous. I am glad ultrasound was first since my heartrate was up and my blood pressure was up to 130/75- which is high for me. But there we saw it- the heartbeat again. It amazes me everytime. It was 173 which is good and strong for 9 weeks. Everything looked good and fetus is measuring right on size for the time. And speaking with my doctor again really helped. The first time, I was so worried about a miscarriage or something being wrong that I didn't think of all the right questions. Yesterday, I had my list and so for the first time, I feel calm and relaxed about this whole pregnancy thing. Maybe this will really happen this time~!

Maybe sometimes things happen for a reason

It's amazing how many choices we make that affect our lives. Maybe it is just the way they are supposed to happen. At the time I had my daugher in 2008, we lived a little bit out in the country in Connecticut. I worked in Hartford, CT about an hour a way. I had a miscarriage about 6 months before we got pregnant with my daughter. We had just moved back to the Northeast from Texas, so I had a new doctor I had never been to. I started spotting at about 10 days after I took pregnancy test- this was before my 1st prenatal appointment was scheduled, so I called and they told me to come in on Monday- which was 4 days later. I waited for almost 2 hours in a crowded waiting room to pee in a cup. Then the nurse- not the doctor- called me into the hallway. Apparently all the rooms were full, so instead of bringing me in an office, they told me in the hallway- that I must have had an early miscarriage.

After that, I refused to use that doctor. I learned that they were the biggest OB/GYN group in the surrounding area near my house, so I began looking for a doctor closer to my work in a bigger City. I hadn't really figured out what I would do if I actually got pregnant, but I refused to see any of those doctors at that practice again.

After interviewing a few doctors, I found a practice I loved. A few months later, I was pregnant. I think everyday that my early miscarriage saved my daughter's life. My doctors were wonderful. They explained everything thoroughly throughtout the whole pregnancy. They did not take chances with anything. I had a circumvalle placenta - so even thought there was nothing they could really do about it except sit and wait, they walked me through it and made sure I had regular ultrasounds. Nothing ever came of that.

I was really sad that my husband was offered a job in Wisconsin in my 2nd trimester, because I wanted them to deliver my baby. So I found a doctor in WI (one I turned out not to like after postpartum visit). But right before I was scheduled to leave CT for WI, I felt off. Looking back, I see that I had severe headaches. But I was under a lot of stress. My husband was in another state, it was winter time in New England and I had a 60 minute commute back and forth to my high pressure job. I was trying to find a house in WI, all the while showing our house in CT. I thought the headaches were just stress headaches. But I called my doctor on Wed and said I just want to come in one last time before I leave for WI. Just to make sure everything was ok.

By the time I went in, my urine was brown. My kidneys and liver started failing. I never remember having the upper right quadrant pain associated a lot with HELLP syndrome. But I had a backache- probably from the kidney issues. As soon as I walked into the doctor, they took me in immediately, since I did not look well. My urine had protein in it- which is a bad sign. Additionally, my blood pressure was skyrocketing.

My doctor- who I loved- immediately sent me over to the hospital across the street. Within 6 hours, I was delivering my daughter by emergency C-section at a hospital with a NIC unit- which would have not happened if I went to hospital closer to my house.

Sometimes I feel jealous about how easy others have it in pregnancy. But other times, I think how all the stars must have lined up for my daughter. - That is, the miscarriage caused me to find a doctor that actually listened to me, that was aware of what seemed right for me and not. That doctor was affiliated with a hospital who provided me excellent care. I listen to other women who have had HELLP or Preeclampsia and many of them didn't even know they had it until they had their medical records. Not me- my doctor kept me informed the whole time- I knew exactly what was going on and how serious it was. I am thankful for that everyday, since I am the type of person that can deal with almost anything if I know exactly what is happening. Hell, maybe I may not have even called my doctor if I was not moving out of town and would have tried to wait until my next appointment- which could have been a disaster for me & my daughter.

So with the last 2 miscarriages I have had and now this pregnancy, I am trying to keep an open perspective that maybe god does have a plan for me. My last miscarriage forced me to lose some of the baby weight because I just wanted to have something to take control of. I had been running and walking almost 40 miles a week since January and my doctor said I can continue as long as I am comfortable doing it. This has made a big difference in how I feel. I also started eating healthier- which might also be what I need for this pregnancy.

Maybe at the end of the day, things really do happen for a reason. I hope so because I really look forward to this being an uneventful and healthy pregnancy.

Being pregnant is a necessary evil

I am not one of those women who glows when they are pregnant. Yes, I am happy I am pregnant and I really want this baby. But no, I do not really enjoy any physical part of the pregnancy. First, I feel tired - actually exhausted. I told my husband imagine the most tired he has ever been, then times that by 50. That is how I feel. I now go to bed by 9 everyday. Not the easiest thing for a workaholic type of personality to do.

Second, my boobs are huge. Yes, I am only 7 weeks and I had to go buy new bras yesterday already. Maybe I would enjoy this if I was an A or B cup, but as a D cup already, this is not enjoyable one bit to me.

And yes, I am starting to show. I weigh about the same as a few weeks ago, but my tummy is now starting to protrude outwards and round out. My clothes are starting to get a little tight already. I have a mediation next week and I am hoping I can get my butt into one of my suits.

Did I mention I am nauseous too? I never really get morning sickness in sense of vomiting with pregnancies, but I get that all day nausea. Not fun. And I have to eat really small meals during the day or I feel sick afterwards. Nothing even appetizes me right now.

The worst part- I love coffee. I must have multiple cups a day and it makes me feel relaxed. Before I tried getting pregnant with my daughter, I gave up caffeine. I rarely drink soda and if I do, I drink caffeine free and I gave up caffeine in my coffee about 3 years ago. I went to swiss water decaf (which uses no chemicals to decaffeinate the coffee), but it has started to make me sick too. The thought and smell of coffee right now are very vulgar to me. Same thing happened with my daughter. I could not drink coffee until third trimester and then only 1 small cup a day.

At least I am craving milk. I do like skim milk alot, but when I am pregnant, I seem to want gallons a week. We bought 2 gallons of skim for me at grocery store this weekend and I am already down to a little more than 1. I guess that is a good thing, because preeclampsia has been linked to Vitamin deficiency. I guess it is my body's way of getting what it needs in addition to calcium/vitamin D pills I already take.

To Shop or Not to Shop?

My title for this post may seem like a no-brainer but not for a woman who has been through the sort of things I have. I know I already wrote a post today, but needed to vent a bit. Today, we went shopping. We were at baby Gap getting a few things for my 2 year old daughter, when I saw a cute couple of baby outfits and picked them up in my arm.

My husband asked if I really wanted to start buying anything yet. He was not being mean, just trying to be practical and make sure I was ok with it. In reality I am not, so I put the things back. But when I got home I definitely felt guilty. With my DD, I started buying things right away. In fact, when anyone in my family, friends announces their pregnant, I start stocking up. So I feel cheated that I have to ponder the question of whether or not to buy any new things for this baby. I mean, when does the fear end. Right now it is still really early, but come 2nd trimester am I still not supposed to feel connected or start trying to prepare?

I don't know what is worst- enjoying the pregnancy and then something bad happening, or not enjoying it and then feeling horrible regardless of whether baby is fine or not. I haven't figured this out yet and I don't think I will.

So tonight I have decided to allow myself to splurge once in a while out of hope, but not go too crazy just yet. If something bad happens, then I will donate the items to a local women's shelter. That way, I don't miss out on anything and if something bad happens then I have a way on honoring this baby with something good.