What have I gotten myself into

Here are all the simple facts right upfront, so you know why I am writing this blog. I have struggled with miscarriages and had pregnancy complications during birth of my daughter. For other pregnancies, I always have struggled about whether or not to tell friends and family I am pregnant. And I figured out last time around, that keeping it inside is not the best way to deal with the happiness associated with pregnancy or the sadness after the loss through miscarriage. Accordingly, I decided to detail my journey through the next nine months.

I am a 34 year old working mom of a gorgeous 2 year old daughter. Let me just say she is the pride and joy of my life and I am grateful everyday we made it through the birthing ordeal. I was in the middle of moving from CT to WI and literally she decided to come 6 weeks early. I had HELLP syndrome, in which my blood pressure skyrocketed, my liver & kidneys failed, and my blood platelet count dropped dangerously low. I had to be put on medication to stop me from having seizures. Oh, and did I mention my daughter's heart started racing in utero and my husband was 2000 miles away in another state while this was all happening. At the end of the day, everything turned out ok. It took me a while to recover and my daughter spent a few days in the NIC unit but we ended up being fine and my daughter is perfectly healthy. I owe my health and my daughter's health to my doctor who recognized symptoms even though I couldn't tell her what was going on besides "I just don't feel well".

Before her birth, I suffered an early miscarriage, but all the doctors were quick to point out that was fairly common. So when I got pregnant with my DD in August 2007, I was so happy and nervous. But in the end my pregnancy with her was relatively uneventful until the HELLP syndrome came on at 34 weeks. Luckily she was 8 lbs 8 ounces and had no preemie issues that are common.

Since her birth, I have had 2 miscarriages- one in February 2009. That was most devastating because I was in the second trimester already. We had already heard heartbeat and everything. But I blew it off as maybe it was too soon since the HELLP syndrome issues in April 2008. Then in January 2010, I had another miscarriage. This was at about 9 weeks. The fetuses - there were twins- just stopped growing.

Needless to say, I am extremely nervous about this next adventure. I pray that everything goes well. I am scared of miscarriage in 1st and 2nd trimester. I am frightened of HELLP or preeclapsia coming on suddenly again in the 2nd or 3rd trimester. I am deathly afraid of having a very premature baby. I was so lucky the first time around that she was big even 6 weeks early and all of her organs were developed except for a small whole in her heart that closed on its own.

In the coming weeks, I hope to journal my experience - good or bad, as a way to deal with the ups and down of this crazy life.

Today, I am 5 weeks, 2 days pregnant and I am already going crazy. I have no answers about what has caused the miscarriages or the HELLP syndrome, so I am feeling a little helpless. I will probably drive my OBs and Peri crazy by the time this is all done. But for now, I just have to wait until Tuesday. I am supposed to have my first doctor appointment and ultrasound. I am hoping that everything will be ok so far and that I will be able to see the heartbeat on the ultrasound or at least the fetal pole, since I will be about 6 weeks then. Now, I just have to keep all my fears in check until Tuesday.