Maybe sometimes things happen for a reason

It's amazing how many choices we make that affect our lives. Maybe it is just the way they are supposed to happen. At the time I had my daugher in 2008, we lived a little bit out in the country in Connecticut. I worked in Hartford, CT about an hour a way. I had a miscarriage about 6 months before we got pregnant with my daughter. We had just moved back to the Northeast from Texas, so I had a new doctor I had never been to. I started spotting at about 10 days after I took pregnancy test- this was before my 1st prenatal appointment was scheduled, so I called and they told me to come in on Monday- which was 4 days later. I waited for almost 2 hours in a crowded waiting room to pee in a cup. Then the nurse- not the doctor- called me into the hallway. Apparently all the rooms were full, so instead of bringing me in an office, they told me in the hallway- that I must have had an early miscarriage.

After that, I refused to use that doctor. I learned that they were the biggest OB/GYN group in the surrounding area near my house, so I began looking for a doctor closer to my work in a bigger City. I hadn't really figured out what I would do if I actually got pregnant, but I refused to see any of those doctors at that practice again.

After interviewing a few doctors, I found a practice I loved. A few months later, I was pregnant. I think everyday that my early miscarriage saved my daughter's life. My doctors were wonderful. They explained everything thoroughly throughtout the whole pregnancy. They did not take chances with anything. I had a circumvalle placenta - so even thought there was nothing they could really do about it except sit and wait, they walked me through it and made sure I had regular ultrasounds. Nothing ever came of that.

I was really sad that my husband was offered a job in Wisconsin in my 2nd trimester, because I wanted them to deliver my baby. So I found a doctor in WI (one I turned out not to like after postpartum visit). But right before I was scheduled to leave CT for WI, I felt off. Looking back, I see that I had severe headaches. But I was under a lot of stress. My husband was in another state, it was winter time in New England and I had a 60 minute commute back and forth to my high pressure job. I was trying to find a house in WI, all the while showing our house in CT. I thought the headaches were just stress headaches. But I called my doctor on Wed and said I just want to come in one last time before I leave for WI. Just to make sure everything was ok.

By the time I went in, my urine was brown. My kidneys and liver started failing. I never remember having the upper right quadrant pain associated a lot with HELLP syndrome. But I had a backache- probably from the kidney issues. As soon as I walked into the doctor, they took me in immediately, since I did not look well. My urine had protein in it- which is a bad sign. Additionally, my blood pressure was skyrocketing.

My doctor- who I loved- immediately sent me over to the hospital across the street. Within 6 hours, I was delivering my daughter by emergency C-section at a hospital with a NIC unit- which would have not happened if I went to hospital closer to my house.

Sometimes I feel jealous about how easy others have it in pregnancy. But other times, I think how all the stars must have lined up for my daughter. - That is, the miscarriage caused me to find a doctor that actually listened to me, that was aware of what seemed right for me and not. That doctor was affiliated with a hospital who provided me excellent care. I listen to other women who have had HELLP or Preeclampsia and many of them didn't even know they had it until they had their medical records. Not me- my doctor kept me informed the whole time- I knew exactly what was going on and how serious it was. I am thankful for that everyday, since I am the type of person that can deal with almost anything if I know exactly what is happening. Hell, maybe I may not have even called my doctor if I was not moving out of town and would have tried to wait until my next appointment- which could have been a disaster for me & my daughter.

So with the last 2 miscarriages I have had and now this pregnancy, I am trying to keep an open perspective that maybe god does have a plan for me. My last miscarriage forced me to lose some of the baby weight because I just wanted to have something to take control of. I had been running and walking almost 40 miles a week since January and my doctor said I can continue as long as I am comfortable doing it. This has made a big difference in how I feel. I also started eating healthier- which might also be what I need for this pregnancy.

Maybe at the end of the day, things really do happen for a reason. I hope so because I really look forward to this being an uneventful and healthy pregnancy.

Being pregnant is a necessary evil

I am not one of those women who glows when they are pregnant. Yes, I am happy I am pregnant and I really want this baby. But no, I do not really enjoy any physical part of the pregnancy. First, I feel tired - actually exhausted. I told my husband imagine the most tired he has ever been, then times that by 50. That is how I feel. I now go to bed by 9 everyday. Not the easiest thing for a workaholic type of personality to do.

Second, my boobs are huge. Yes, I am only 7 weeks and I had to go buy new bras yesterday already. Maybe I would enjoy this if I was an A or B cup, but as a D cup already, this is not enjoyable one bit to me.

And yes, I am starting to show. I weigh about the same as a few weeks ago, but my tummy is now starting to protrude outwards and round out. My clothes are starting to get a little tight already. I have a mediation next week and I am hoping I can get my butt into one of my suits.

Did I mention I am nauseous too? I never really get morning sickness in sense of vomiting with pregnancies, but I get that all day nausea. Not fun. And I have to eat really small meals during the day or I feel sick afterwards. Nothing even appetizes me right now.

The worst part- I love coffee. I must have multiple cups a day and it makes me feel relaxed. Before I tried getting pregnant with my daughter, I gave up caffeine. I rarely drink soda and if I do, I drink caffeine free and I gave up caffeine in my coffee about 3 years ago. I went to swiss water decaf (which uses no chemicals to decaffeinate the coffee), but it has started to make me sick too. The thought and smell of coffee right now are very vulgar to me. Same thing happened with my daughter. I could not drink coffee until third trimester and then only 1 small cup a day.

At least I am craving milk. I do like skim milk alot, but when I am pregnant, I seem to want gallons a week. We bought 2 gallons of skim for me at grocery store this weekend and I am already down to a little more than 1. I guess that is a good thing, because preeclampsia has been linked to Vitamin deficiency. I guess it is my body's way of getting what it needs in addition to calcium/vitamin D pills I already take.

To Shop or Not to Shop?

My title for this post may seem like a no-brainer but not for a woman who has been through the sort of things I have. I know I already wrote a post today, but needed to vent a bit. Today, we went shopping. We were at baby Gap getting a few things for my 2 year old daughter, when I saw a cute couple of baby outfits and picked them up in my arm.

My husband asked if I really wanted to start buying anything yet. He was not being mean, just trying to be practical and make sure I was ok with it. In reality I am not, so I put the things back. But when I got home I definitely felt guilty. With my DD, I started buying things right away. In fact, when anyone in my family, friends announces their pregnant, I start stocking up. So I feel cheated that I have to ponder the question of whether or not to buy any new things for this baby. I mean, when does the fear end. Right now it is still really early, but come 2nd trimester am I still not supposed to feel connected or start trying to prepare?

I don't know what is worst- enjoying the pregnancy and then something bad happening, or not enjoying it and then feeling horrible regardless of whether baby is fine or not. I haven't figured this out yet and I don't think I will.

So tonight I have decided to allow myself to splurge once in a while out of hope, but not go too crazy just yet. If something bad happens, then I will donate the items to a local women's shelter. That way, I don't miss out on anything and if something bad happens then I have a way on honoring this baby with something good.

Worry Worry Worry?

All I really want to do is enjoy the moments of this pregnancy, but it seems almost impossible. First of all, I am a planner. I plan everything and I plan contingencies for everything. It makes me a great attorney, but a crazy pregnant lady.

I have a high pressure job and handle lots of files. I work as a surety bond claims attorney for an insurance company - essentially I handle construction law issues. My stress level can get high at times and more recently I have had to travel more and more. So naturally, with this pregnancy, I know that I may be on bedrest at some point, so I am trying to get everything in order. This is difficult to do when you already have tons of files and workload yet you are extremely tired from the pregnancy. I am trying not to stress myself out over it. But for example, the first week of June, I have a conference and a mediation that I have to travel for. Essentially I will leave on Saturday, come home on Tuesday and leave on Wednesday until Sunday. Not only is that hard on me and my work level, but difficult on my family as well, since I have to leave my DH and DD. There is no way I can do this even by 20 weeks.

Many say there is no direct connection to stress and HELLP, but I would disagree. When I had my daughter, I was under an extreme amount of stress. Hell, we were moving to another state 2000 miles away and having a baby due 6 weeks after. So looking back it doesn't seem to be as much of a surprise that she came early and I had issues. I know I have a right to feel this way after everything we have been through, but hopefully I am not driving my DD & DH crazy already.

Some Background Info on the beginning of my journey

THIS IS THE STORY I HAVE ON THE PREECLAMPSIA.ORG WEBSITE (WHICH IS A GREAT RESOURCE FOR WOMAN LIKE ME WHO HAVE SUFFERED HELLP OR PREECLAMPSIA. THEY COLLECT STORIES GOOD OR BAD TO GIVE AS MUCH INFO AS POSSIBLE. I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE A GOOD THING TO MENTION MY PAST TO BRING EVERYONE UP TO SPEED FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON'T PERSONALLY KNOW ME.


In the spring of 2008, our family was undergoing so many changes. After six years of marriage, my husband Matt and I were finally expecting our first child at the end of April, 2008. Additionally, my husband had been offered a job promotion so we were preparing for a move from Connecticut to Wisconsin. My husband was in Milwaukee working while I was finishing up in Connecticut. My plan was to pack up our house and move into our new house before the baby was born, so we would have as little interruption and stress as possible. Little did I know that it would not be possible with the events that were about to happen.

In the first week of April, my house in CT was being packed up by the movers. My husband had some work obligations in WI, but me being a very independent sort of woman thought I could supervise them by myself as I had on many other moves before. I wasn’t feeling that great that week, but no big red flags or alerts or anything to cause concern and the pregnancy had otherwise been uncomplicated. On Thursday, the movers finished packing our house and set off with all of our stuff to WI. I was going to my last appointment on Friday morning at my CT OB before heading to WI on Saturday. I was feeling a little off, (but nothing to make me so worried) so my mother in law drove down from NY just to make sure I was ok. When we got to the doctor’s appointment, I mentioned not feeling that great that week to the doctor which set her off on a series of questions. At that point, they took my blood pressure, which was sky-rocketing. The doctor was concerned so I was instructed to go across the street to the hospital for some tests.

At that point, I was feeling scared and alone. They did some initial testing and told me in the nurse’s words “You are your baby are very sick”. I must have heard this continuously throughout the morning and early afternoon. They told me I had HELLP syndrome. As a stream of doctors and nurses came in explaining everything to me, I realized the gravity of the situation. My kidneys and liver stopped functioning, my blood platelet count was low and I was given medication to help prevent me from having seizures. Then a flurry of activity began. I called my husband in WI and although I didn’t want to scare him, told him he needed to get on an airplane right away. He didn’t have time to go back to his corporate housing to get anything so he got on an airplane with no luggage, got stopped by security for booking a last minute ticket and having no luggage, all the time wondering what sort of condition me and the baby would be in when he got to CT.

In the meantime, the doctors decided to induce but told me I could not have an epidural because my blood platelet counts were too low. As if the ordeal of a normal birth was not scary enough, now I was to have this baby by myself with no husband in sight and with no epidural. My mother in law truly did not know what she got herself into at that point (being the mother of three boys). Well the baby must have sensed my panic because her heart started racing, which they had been monitoring. So on top of every OB in the hospital stopping in my room, I now had pediatric cardiologists streaming in the room trying to explain what could happen once baby was born. Some point shortly after that, it became clear that they had to do an emergency C-section. At this point, my husband is in mid-air on a flight and has no idea what he is going to come into.

At the end of the day, despite everything we had to go through, we were one of the lucky ones. My husband arrived at the hospital as I was coming out of surgery and was in the room when I woke up. My daughter was born 5 weeks and 6 days prematurely. She stayed in the NIC unit for 2 days for them to monitor her heart. I was struggling with everything as pediatric cardiologists came in to discuss my daughter and the possibilities. They were at best concerned about the heart racing in the womb and the effects of HELLP, as well as the small hole in her heart. However, all they ended up doing was monitoring her and luckily she had no further complications. The hole closed on its own in a few weeks and she has turned out to be absolutely perfect.

I was another story and from what I understand I was very lucky. I could not even get out of bed for 2 days to go to the NIC unit to see my daughter, Olivia. They did let her visit me in my room for limited periods of time, but it took every bit of energy I had to hold her. It took sheer determination to try to use the breast pump, which was important because of the immunity it helps provide the baby from sickness. The nurses thought I was crazy and taking on too much, but I knew I had to get moving and fighting it for me to get through this. Because of my weakness, low blood platelet counts and bruises all over my body, they decided to give me two blood transfusions. Remarkably once they did this, my body began to heal. So as all of our belongings were in route to our new house in Milwaukee with no one there to receive them, we didn’t worry about it. Instead all we could do was look at my daughter in awe and think how lucky we were. (While my daughter was an 8 lb 8 ounce preemie – I could only imagine how big she would have been at full term - there were so many sick little ones in the NIC unit next to her that it makes you realize how lucky you really are that your daughter is perfect after all of these complications.) The doctors and nurses who actually understood this disease saved mine and Olivia’s lives. Had I not had a doctor who wanted to make sure everything was ok before sending me home, I would have been on my way driving to Wisconsin on Saturday and the end result could have been much different. I look back on that day and realize I am extremely blessed.

Although everything turned out ok with us, it is not something that has just passed or a disease that has been cured. I have moved to yet another state and every time I have a new doctor, I try to explain HELLP, but you would be surprised that although many have heard of it they do not understand what it is. I have had all sorts of different information about getting pregnant again. Some doctors tell me I have a 25% chance or higher of having HELLP or preeclampsia with the next pregnancy. Others say that my chances of it are slight since HELLP seems to come on later in the subsequent pregnancies and the first time around only came at 35 weeks. No one in either of our families had ever had any pregnancy complications. In fact, not one of our mothers, grandmothers, sisters, or aunts had ever even had a C-section. Like many others with HELLP, I have no idea if it is something genetically predisposed or what causes it and that is what is scariest about the disease.

Nevertheless, we did decide to try to get pregnant again and in late 2008 we succeeded. Unfortunately, in February 2009 we had a miscarriage in the 16th week of pregnancy. In January 2010, we had another miscarriage. The doctors say they do not believe HELLP played a role, but they are not sure and I have to wonder. Today, I am currently six weeks pregnant and cautiously optimistic of a successful outcome.

We Have a Heartbeat

YEAH- We have a heartbeat. I am so excited. I went for my first doctor's visit yesterday. They originally were not doing a scan, but after the worry in my eye when I talked with the doctor, she said let's go ahead and do one. She warned me that 6 weeks is early, so not to be surprised or worried if there was not much to see. But low and behold, a little fluttering heartbeat. It was beating at 103 which I have been told anything about 90 at this point is good.

I am now officially on low dose aspirin. I originally had discussed this with my doctor back after my last miscarriage and D&C, but another doctor in the practice, told me after that not to take it because it is not proven to have any effect. I was very confused. I am glad I called my doctor last week and asked because my main doctor, who I love, told me to start taking the LDA. She said although it is not proven, it is not harmful to the fetus in such low doses and it is worth any shot. She said it may have no effect, but lots of her patients swear by it. That is good enough reason for me. Now I am adding that to my arsenal of medicine to take in the morning- prenatal vitamins, extra folic acid, Calcium & vitamin D, and now LDA. Believe it or not, that is more pills than I have ever taken in my life on a daily basis.

I am feeling a little disappointed in my husband though. He should feel as excited as I am. I know he is happy about the baby, but when I got home from doctors and told him I heard the heartbeat, he never said anything- not a "that's good", or "I'm so happy" or "that's a relief". I realized a long time ago that he is not very good with his emotions, but I would have liked a little something celebratory yesterday. Oh well, I am not letting him get me down. I am just enjoying the moment of hearing that little heartbeat. thump, thump, thump....

Raving Lunatic?

When you are pregnant, most women already think too much and try to do everything perfect. Add in high risk factors and you become a raving lunatic- like me. You are so worried about everything. You want to make sure you take all the right vitamins, eat healthy, exercise. You look jealously at those women where pregnancy seems so easy. Yet more than anything all you want is a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby at the end of it. As supportive as people try to be, the people around you- even your husband and family- can't really understand the things that go through your mind. Doctors treat you like a number and do not really listen to your concerns. And you know the doctors can't really do much except wait and watch you, but it still pisses you off. Put that all together and I have become a crazy lady.

Yesterday the stress of all of this hit me. I was trying to cook dinner, my 2 year old was playing in the fridge and wanted my complete attention and my hubby was sitting on the couch just watching tv and not helping. And then all of a sudden it just hit me and started crying. I am not a crying type of woman. However, the worry, stress and probably hormones just hit me. I was not a blubbering mess- just a few tears streaming down my cheek. And I felt better after it, especially when my daughter said "I kiss your boo boo mommy" and gave me a kiss. Amazing how this one line made me calm and put everything into perspective.

How Tired Can I Get

For anyone who knows me, knows I have a hard time sitting still- ever. Granted with a two year old, I have learned to relax a bit and I am a little better about not having to be busy all the time. But with pregnancy, tiredness kicks my butt. In fact, that is how I knew I was pregnant this time before I even took the test- I took a 2 hour nap on a Sunday. That is like pigs flying in my world. I usually hate napping but not during pregnancy.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, it was not too bad because I wasn't chasing any little ones. Add in a toddler and I am exhausted. She makes me tired when I am not pregnant, never mind when I am feeling this way. Then add in all the worry about this pregnancy and good luck to me getting a good night to sleep.

Last night, my DH and DD went with me to see The Princess and the Frog at the Park. It was so much fun and a great family thing to do, but the movie did not start until dusk. So by the time it ended and we packed back up the car and drove home, it was 11:00. WAY WAY past my bed time now. My DH is working this Saturday morning, so I was hoping my DD would sleep until at least 8:30 since she went to bed 3 1/2 hours after her normal bed time, but that did not happen. As soon as my DH walked out the door, she started crying from her bedroom at 7 am. So much for sleeping in late.

Not sure how I am going to deal with this- since I can only drink decaf coffee. I have been taking Vitamin D at suggestion of my doctor to help with this sluggishness, but I might just have to start taking noon siestas everyday.

What have I gotten myself into

Here are all the simple facts right upfront, so you know why I am writing this blog. I have struggled with miscarriages and had pregnancy complications during birth of my daughter. For other pregnancies, I always have struggled about whether or not to tell friends and family I am pregnant. And I figured out last time around, that keeping it inside is not the best way to deal with the happiness associated with pregnancy or the sadness after the loss through miscarriage. Accordingly, I decided to detail my journey through the next nine months.

I am a 34 year old working mom of a gorgeous 2 year old daughter. Let me just say she is the pride and joy of my life and I am grateful everyday we made it through the birthing ordeal. I was in the middle of moving from CT to WI and literally she decided to come 6 weeks early. I had HELLP syndrome, in which my blood pressure skyrocketed, my liver & kidneys failed, and my blood platelet count dropped dangerously low. I had to be put on medication to stop me from having seizures. Oh, and did I mention my daughter's heart started racing in utero and my husband was 2000 miles away in another state while this was all happening. At the end of the day, everything turned out ok. It took me a while to recover and my daughter spent a few days in the NIC unit but we ended up being fine and my daughter is perfectly healthy. I owe my health and my daughter's health to my doctor who recognized symptoms even though I couldn't tell her what was going on besides "I just don't feel well".

Before her birth, I suffered an early miscarriage, but all the doctors were quick to point out that was fairly common. So when I got pregnant with my DD in August 2007, I was so happy and nervous. But in the end my pregnancy with her was relatively uneventful until the HELLP syndrome came on at 34 weeks. Luckily she was 8 lbs 8 ounces and had no preemie issues that are common.

Since her birth, I have had 2 miscarriages- one in February 2009. That was most devastating because I was in the second trimester already. We had already heard heartbeat and everything. But I blew it off as maybe it was too soon since the HELLP syndrome issues in April 2008. Then in January 2010, I had another miscarriage. This was at about 9 weeks. The fetuses - there were twins- just stopped growing.

Needless to say, I am extremely nervous about this next adventure. I pray that everything goes well. I am scared of miscarriage in 1st and 2nd trimester. I am frightened of HELLP or preeclapsia coming on suddenly again in the 2nd or 3rd trimester. I am deathly afraid of having a very premature baby. I was so lucky the first time around that she was big even 6 weeks early and all of her organs were developed except for a small whole in her heart that closed on its own.

In the coming weeks, I hope to journal my experience - good or bad, as a way to deal with the ups and down of this crazy life.

Today, I am 5 weeks, 2 days pregnant and I am already going crazy. I have no answers about what has caused the miscarriages or the HELLP syndrome, so I am feeling a little helpless. I will probably drive my OBs and Peri crazy by the time this is all done. But for now, I just have to wait until Tuesday. I am supposed to have my first doctor appointment and ultrasound. I am hoping that everything will be ok so far and that I will be able to see the heartbeat on the ultrasound or at least the fetal pole, since I will be about 6 weeks then. Now, I just have to keep all my fears in check until Tuesday.